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DJSiren


I was talking about getting my hair trimmed in my last journal. I was TRYING to grow it out, but apparently like an inch and a half of it was super unhealthy, so I got it cut. It's more blatantly feminine than I've tried in a while, but I love it! I think it's one of the best cuts I've gotten, honestly. Now I can't decide if I want to grow it out or keep getting this cut, haha.

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I'm pretty sure this is the first journal I've posted in almost a year, and part of me regrets that it has to be a mostly negative one, but you know how it goes! :D

So, this is the year that I had no friends. Found out that all of them talk shit about me and two other people I consider my closest friends behind our backs. Why? Because we're "boring", or "never goes out by himself", or "always needs to stop somewhere." Can I be the first to say: Please don't fucking offer me fake security in the form of "Oh, if you ever need anything, let us know!", offer to drive me when I'm in need, and then fucking talk shit about me behind my back. You know why I don't have a car, or know how to drive? Because my own mother supported a family of three by herself while my stepdad spent money frivolously. We've almost lost our home three times. We claimed bankruptcy. With such a busy schedule of saving my family from the goddamn streets, I was never taught how to drive, and I wasn't blessed with such a thing as someone to help me pay my car insurance, or buy my groceries, or pay my cell phone bill.


Reading the previous over, it sure seems like I'm justified in thinking these are legitimate reasons for my current shortcomings. Maybe they ARE excuses, maybe I CAN do better.


And I can start doing better by not associating with people who antagonize me and talk about my friends and I amongst themselves. I can honestly say that I would have taken a bullet for all of these people. Some of them I considered my best friends. Some of them I've known for more than half of my life. Now, bitter as I can fathom, I hope they all meet some terrible misfortune. It's wrong of me to wish bad things upon people I once considered close as family, but they can waste their lives getting drunk and talking shit about us. They're going to pay for it one day, and I hope I'm there to see it so that I can watch them all suffer as I stand idly by.

But anyway, why am I fanning the flames? I care about it waaaay more than I need to xD If I want less drama, I should stop worrying about it and keep my distance. :P

*sighs in relief* Though they may not see it directly... Feels good, man. Feels good.

/BITTER BITTER BITTER RAGEMODE



In other news! Getting my hairs trimmed today! So hypecited for it! (That's "hype" and "excited" in one convenient word, by the way :P)

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Always forget I have one of these.

Anyway... Um...

Starting on a journey to get fit. For real this time. Trying to get my cardio in every day, and walking a fitness trail at my local park with oohsupercilious and some other friends 2-3 times a week! :D Going to buy some weights for arm shit soon. Think I'll get 15 lbs. C:

We're gonna rock hot beach bodies this year. And I'm serious this time.

Well... yes, I've been serious every other time I've said "I'M GETTAN FITT HURR DURP", but I'm actually... doing something about it this time instead of sitting around on my ass 24/7.

I'm so hype TO GET FIT

If anyone still looks at my journal, do you guys have any regimens or suggestions I should look at? I'm not looking for body builder, I'm looking for lean/tone/slight definition but still visible. Thinking about a crash course in P90X, but still looking for suggestions! :D

I can't wait. I think this will help my confidence and how I feel in my own skin. YAY!

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In a desperate effort to not forget about livejournal, I'm postan. C:

Still haven't felt artsy lately, and Ichibancon is coming up soon! Worry! D: oohsupercilious and I had a Sculpey party last week, and I can't wait til the next one! I just get really distracted when I make things. I need to buckle down and just DO IT.

Still playing Tekken. Didn't really think my fascination with it would last this long, but it has. A few people have told me they see me improving, and that helps me want to keep playing! I like when people are supportive of me. It really helps keep me on track.

In other news, I need to make a sincere e-apology to oohsupercilious. I owe you so much art. But there's a reason that you haven't gotten it! I don't even know if you'll read this, but I feel really bad every time I think about bringing it up face to face, so at the very least, I can direct you to this, haha.

I've done lots of art for you. Most of it is unfinished, and lying aside, staring at me daily. So I gotta fess up! I am really insecure with my art, and it makes me extremely self-conscious, and critical of myself. I worry "Will she like it? Have I done a good enough job?" and it scares me out of finishing it. I respect your artistic abilities so much, and it worries me that I can't fit your standards (even though the most likely option is that it doesn't fit MY standards, and I'm probably being utterly ridiculous!), and I want everything to be PERFECT.

I'm probably just being ridiculous. I hope to make it up to you this Christmas. Really, I do.



New job is going well, though I severely lack hours. I'm learning new stuff every day, and I hope they will keep me beyond seasonal. I feel like I have a fighting chance. I don't want to be confident, though, because I'd hate to set myself up for disappointment.

Money is tight. What's new?

I really need glasses. I really hope someone in my family just gives me money for Christmas so that I can get some glasses and learn to drive. I need to get my life straight and stop fucking around doing things that won't benefit me.

I really hate when people get me clothes for Christmas. Well, my family, that is. I like to dress in an androgynous fashion, really. Every year, they get me clothes that try to reinforce my feminine side. I have some feminine clothing, but... I mean, when they get me clothes, I might wear the pieces once. And that's it. I don't think they understand that I don't like to look like a lady. I really think that women's clothing is unflattering on my body. I know they try their best to fit my tastes, but they're always kind of headed in the wrong direction. Regardless, I'm just glad to spend holidays with my family. We don't get together so much anymore.


Okay, I think I'm done. When I sat down to force myself to post something, a lot more came to mind than I thought, haha.

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Tekkenssssss. UNF

Still playing Dragunov, picked up Kuma and Leo.



...


God, I don't need another game to play. :C

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Livejournalites, I am lost. I don't know what I want life to be anymore. I've hit a brick wall with art, I am uncomfortable about EVERYTHING involving my body, I'm in some kind of gender limbo, my job can't afford me more than three hours a shift, and I got the second worst paycheck of my Applebee's career, totaling a whopping $143, AND I get more than minimum wage, so that's completely inexcusable.

How will I buy groceries? How will I afford to pay people to take me to work? What am I eating tomorrow? WILL I eat at all tomorrow?

Not to mention I'm going completely stir crazy in my house.



........ At least I still have my keyboard. Kind of.

YAAAAAY DEPRESSION

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Gosh, I like to pretend I update this on occasion...

I think I have the flu. I heard the swine flu was going around this area, but that doesn't seem to be it. I got sick at a damn tournament in Chapel Hill, and now practically ALL of the NC Smash Bros players are sick. Unfortunate timing.

I was sick during all of my matches in Brawl, but I decided that I'm going to pick up a new main/at least secondary. Marth. He's kinda high tier, so it'll be a step in the right direction FINALLY.


Also, I've been doing some acrylic painting recently. It's such a harsh and unforgiving medium, but I don't want to give up. At the same time, I'd like to go back an pretend I never tried them, haha.

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That tournament from my last post went terribly, but it was HELLA FUN AND I MISS GOING TO THEM D:


I've gone to a low tier tournament since then. It was a lot of fun, and I teamed with one of NC's best Smashers, Foxy, for Melee doubles. We lost our first two matches, and then RAPED MERCILESSLY. After our first two losses, we stepped shit up and swept the rest of doubles with no losses.

We won $14 a piece. C:

Since then, I've been playing a lot more, and have gotten a lot better. I'm too dumb to apply all that I've learned in actual combat, but what I've done so far has been working. Yaaaay.

I still play Ness and Ike, but I feel the need to pick up a top tier character. I played a lot of them, but don't really like them so much. I kind of like Marth... but not as much as Game and Watch! I'd like to get good with either of those two.

NO ONE CARES YAAAY <3

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Hello, LJ. :D

I am going to the Charlotte Pride parade this Saturday, which promises to be a LOT of fun! Only problem is, I'm COMPLETELY broke, haha. So I can't buy anything, pretty much. But it's the experience that counts, right? C:


On Sunday, I'll be going to my first Brawl tournament since Brawl came out xD I don't play the same character, so it's going to be like brand new! And some of the NC Smashers remember me, which is awesome, so it won't be awkward like the first Melee tourney I went to. I'll be reppin' Ness the whole time (and... Ike as a counterpick, but I DOUBT I'll play him at all).

I'm also playing Earthbound right now, I just finished Mother 3. Good series, I'm really sad it took me so long to play it!

So I guess that's all. Gonna try to post here a little more often, but no promises, haha.

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Photobucket

GLEE, I can do things with it now. A nurse at my doctor's office said was pretty sure that the next time she sees me I'll be bald, haha.

SO MANRY
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